i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
