I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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