i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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