she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
