I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize