we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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