i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
