Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
