if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
