someone get that fucking seahorse.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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