I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
