Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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