why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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