I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
