if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
