You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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