awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
