Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
