I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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