The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
