I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
the liver wants what the liver wants
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
