I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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