he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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