I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I still have a little drunk in my system
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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