I accidentally had phone sex last night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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