just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
