I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
