I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
