Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
