If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
