FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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