I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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