My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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