U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
