I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
