I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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