his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
