Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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