Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
