According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize