I am in a vortex of obligation.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
