Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
