So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
