I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
