I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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