I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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