90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
