I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
