Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
COCAINE IS GR8
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
