youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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