I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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