this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
