well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
