why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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