I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
