This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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