You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
