oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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