I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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