take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
