Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
