I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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