My brain says no but my pants say off.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize