I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
