Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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