My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
