Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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