I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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